Today was a long, busy Monday. I got up a little later than I should have this morning, so I hurried to get ready. Left a little after 8am and rushed to school. My full day of classes finally ended at 3:45. I left immediately after class and headed off to put 4 hours in at the office. Hurry hurry hurry... rush rush rush. From one thing to the next. Tonight, a patient gave me a copy of this prayer. "Slow Me Down, Lord." How appropriate. May we all s l o w d o w n.
Lord, slow me down.
Slow me down, Lord
Ease the pounding of my heart by the
quieting of my mind.
Steady my hurried pace with a vision of
the eternal reach of time.
Give me, amid the confusion of the day, the
calmness of the everlasting hills.
Break the tensions of my nerves and
muscles with the soothing music of the
singing streams that live in my memory.
Help me to know the magical, restoring
power of sleep.
Teach me the art of taking minute
vacations - of slowing down to look at a
flower, to chat with a friend, to pat a dog, to
read a few lines from a good book.
Slow me down, Lord, and inspire me to
send my roots deep into the soil of life's enduring
values that I may grow toward the stars
of my greater destiny.
-- Wilferd A. Peterson
Monday, January 23, 2012
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
"I thank you, God, that I have lived."
A professor shared this prayer in class this afternoon and I wanted to share it with you.
Prayer penned by Elizabeth, Countess of Craven (1750-1828):
I thank you, God, that I have lived
In this great world and known its many joys:
The song of birds, the strong, sweet scent of hay
And cooling breezes in the secret dusk.
The flaming sunsets at the close of day,
Hills and the lonely heather-covered moors.
Music at night and moonlight on the sea,
The beat of waves upon the rocky shore,
And wild, white spray flung high in ecstasy.
The faithful eyes of dogs and treasured books,
The love of kin, fellowship of friends,
And all that makes life dear and beautiful.
I thank you, too, that there has come to me
A little sorrow and sometimes defeat.
A little heartache and the loneliness
That comes with parting and the word “goodbye.”
Dawn breaking after dreary hours of pain
When I discovered that night's gloom must yield
And morning light break through to me again.
Because of these and other blessings poured
Unmasked upon my wondering head,
Because I know that there is yet to come
An even richer and more glorious life,
I thank you God that I have lived.
Prayer penned by Elizabeth, Countess of Craven (1750-1828):
I thank you, God, that I have lived
In this great world and known its many joys:
The song of birds, the strong, sweet scent of hay
And cooling breezes in the secret dusk.
The flaming sunsets at the close of day,
Hills and the lonely heather-covered moors.
Music at night and moonlight on the sea,
The beat of waves upon the rocky shore,
And wild, white spray flung high in ecstasy.
The faithful eyes of dogs and treasured books,
The love of kin, fellowship of friends,
And all that makes life dear and beautiful.
I thank you, too, that there has come to me
A little sorrow and sometimes defeat.
A little heartache and the loneliness
That comes with parting and the word “goodbye.”
Dawn breaking after dreary hours of pain
When I discovered that night's gloom must yield
And morning light break through to me again.
Because of these and other blessings poured
Unmasked upon my wondering head,
Because I know that there is yet to come
An even richer and more glorious life,
I thank you God that I have lived.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Lessons Learned in the House
Last year, I had the once in a lifetime opportunity to rent a house with 7 of my best friends. While living together we kept a little notebook of lessons learned in the house. I found the list and thought I'd share it with you!
* If you back your car in the ditch, put it in neutral and push from the front.
* The freezer cools the fridge. So, if the freezer goes out, so will the fridge.
* When living with 8 girls, be sure to cut the hair out of the vacuum after each use.
* Set a mousetrap inside a brown lunch bag. Then all you have to do is grab the bag to dispose the mouse.
* Thaw chicken before you bake it.
* If you notice there is a giant block of ice by the fan in your freezer you probably need to get that out. Use a hairdryer to melt it.
* Clogged shower drains can be a bigger problem than just clogged hair. Wear gloves, put your hair up, use a plunger, clean off the overflow drain... If your drain starts to spew up black much.. shut the door and call a plumber.
* Being hit on by your plumber is not a good thing. Don't be the only one left home and if you are, unlock the door so you can bolt if needed.
* If the garbage man won't pick up your yard waste, just make an unofficial compost pile in the backyard where no one else can see it.
* Bees don't like it if you try to sweep them up with a broom. If stung, remove stinger immediately and apply ice.
* A can of diced tomatoes is not a can of tomato soup.
* Water should drain down the sink. If it doesn't, it probably won't fix itself. Fix it yourself, or call your landlord.
* If you receive mail for someone that does not live at your house, write "Return to Sender" on the envelope.
* Flushing the toilet while someone is showering is mean. If you hear the toilet flush while in the shower, prepare to be scalded.
* Sometimes there are no free rooms to make phone calls -- if it's not too cold, sit outside. Or, bring a blanket and sit in your car.
* You are required to share the details of your dates with your nosey roommates. They will be waiting for you when you get home.
* It costs money to heat a house. The purchase of an electric blanket might become necessary.
* Getting homework done in the "study room" is nearly impossible.
* Yes, you can parallel park.
* Mowing the lawn in an unpopular requirement.
Oh and there were more lessons learned, I'm sure.
It was a memorable year filled with many lessons learned and unforgettable times.
Just like I will never forget these house lessons, I will never forget the blessing of college friends and the year spent together under one roof.
Miss you girls <3
* If you back your car in the ditch, put it in neutral and push from the front.
* The freezer cools the fridge. So, if the freezer goes out, so will the fridge.
* When living with 8 girls, be sure to cut the hair out of the vacuum after each use.
* Set a mousetrap inside a brown lunch bag. Then all you have to do is grab the bag to dispose the mouse.
* Thaw chicken before you bake it.
* If you notice there is a giant block of ice by the fan in your freezer you probably need to get that out. Use a hairdryer to melt it.
* Clogged shower drains can be a bigger problem than just clogged hair. Wear gloves, put your hair up, use a plunger, clean off the overflow drain... If your drain starts to spew up black much.. shut the door and call a plumber.
* Being hit on by your plumber is not a good thing. Don't be the only one left home and if you are, unlock the door so you can bolt if needed.
* If the garbage man won't pick up your yard waste, just make an unofficial compost pile in the backyard where no one else can see it.
* Bees don't like it if you try to sweep them up with a broom. If stung, remove stinger immediately and apply ice.
* A can of diced tomatoes is not a can of tomato soup.
* Water should drain down the sink. If it doesn't, it probably won't fix itself. Fix it yourself, or call your landlord.
* If you receive mail for someone that does not live at your house, write "Return to Sender" on the envelope.
* Flushing the toilet while someone is showering is mean. If you hear the toilet flush while in the shower, prepare to be scalded.
* Sometimes there are no free rooms to make phone calls -- if it's not too cold, sit outside. Or, bring a blanket and sit in your car.
* You are required to share the details of your dates with your nosey roommates. They will be waiting for you when you get home.
* It costs money to heat a house. The purchase of an electric blanket might become necessary.
* Getting homework done in the "study room" is nearly impossible.
* Yes, you can parallel park.
* Mowing the lawn in an unpopular requirement.
Oh and there were more lessons learned, I'm sure.
It was a memorable year filled with many lessons learned and unforgettable times.
Just like I will never forget these house lessons, I will never forget the blessing of college friends and the year spent together under one roof.
Miss you girls <3
Monday, May 9, 2011
Get up off the curb
Once there were two girls. They each had the same dilemma. They were both interested in a boy who was showing no signs of returning the affection. Tragic but oh so common. Though their dilemma was the same, their stories drastically differed. One girl chose life beyond the boy. She got up, started walking, started recognizing possibilities, opened her eyes and started seeing a bigger and more beautiful world. She began walking in a new direction. Claiming new dreams and living fully and joyfully. The other girl sat still. She stayed close, frozen in place. Ready and waiting for the boy to move. She remained seated on the curb. Seeing nothing but him and her limited surroundings. Missing out on her own life and dreams and possibilities. Waiting on a boy who may never want her in return.
Please don't be the second girl. Get up off the curb and wander, explore, embark on your own journey. We live in an amazing world full of interesting and beautiful people to meet and incredible, unbelievable places to go. Meet them. See them. Don't limit yourself to waiting on a guy, or whatever else it is that holds you back. Break free.
Take a chance. Extend your hand and ask the boy to dance. If he reaches back - it's time to create your story together, but if he doesn't... curtsy kindly and start the dance alone. Take a risk. Dare to live without him. Dare to let him go.
Skeptics might suggest that by sitting closely, waiting patiently, the second girl will eventually win the boy. Maybe. But at what cost? It is my opinion that the first girl is going to end up with the right guy for her in the end as well, but will be able to figure out who she is, what she loves, where she wants to go and have a whole trail of memories along the way.
Each person has one life to live. One story to tell. How do you want yours written?
The world is a big, beautiful place that invites you to come, see and live. What a shame if you only see it from your seat on the curb.
Please don't be the second girl. Get up off the curb and wander, explore, embark on your own journey. We live in an amazing world full of interesting and beautiful people to meet and incredible, unbelievable places to go. Meet them. See them. Don't limit yourself to waiting on a guy, or whatever else it is that holds you back. Break free.
Take a chance. Extend your hand and ask the boy to dance. If he reaches back - it's time to create your story together, but if he doesn't... curtsy kindly and start the dance alone. Take a risk. Dare to live without him. Dare to let him go.
Skeptics might suggest that by sitting closely, waiting patiently, the second girl will eventually win the boy. Maybe. But at what cost? It is my opinion that the first girl is going to end up with the right guy for her in the end as well, but will be able to figure out who she is, what she loves, where she wants to go and have a whole trail of memories along the way.
Each person has one life to live. One story to tell. How do you want yours written?
The world is a big, beautiful place that invites you to come, see and live. What a shame if you only see it from your seat on the curb.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Just thinking...
When I first created this blog, I titled it "Just thinking." I intended this to be a place for me to take my thoughts, put them to words and share them with whoever might be brave enough to tune into my though process every now and then.
Thinking. We all spend a considerable amount of time thinking. Thinking about the past, the future, what we want to do or eat, who we'd like to meet or where we'd like to go. Thinking about our goals, failures, conversations, weaknesses, dreams etc. Thinking is a good thing, a natural thing a necessary thing. After stupid mistakes or poor choices, it is normal to hear the phrase, "What was she thinking!?" Or "I just wasn't thinking." So, it's imperative that we think... but also that we think wisely.
You see, thinking (though necessary) can also be incredibly cruel and destructive. I'm reminded of a quote from Beauty & the Beast.
Gaston: Lefou I'm afraid I've been thinking...
Lefou: A dangerous past time.
Gaston: I know.
It is a silly part of the song, but I've realized that this concept holds some serious truth.
It's important to recognize which thoughts are beneficial and which are harmful. Start taking the time to identify what you spend your time thinking about. Be good to yourself. Reject the urge to think negatively. Spinning your weaknesses, failures and frustrations over and over in your mind is terribly unhealthy for the body and soul.
I'm reading an interesting book called, "EAT PRAY LOVE" by Elizabeth Gilbert. (Recently a movie starring Julia Roberts). In the book, she discusses the "impossible task" of controlling your thoughts. She makes a vow to monitor her thoughts and repeat the saying, "I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore." I love how she makes sense out of good thinking and bad thinking. I'll share it with you.
She writes, "A harbor, of course, is a place of refuge, a port of entry. I pictured the harbor of my mind - a little beat-up, perhaps, a little storm-worn, but well situated and with a nice depth. The harbor of my mind is an open bay, the only access to the island of my Self. This island has been through some wars, it is true, but it is now committed to peace, under a new leader (me) who has instituted new policies to protect the place. And now - let the word go out across the seven seas - there are much, much stricter laws on the books about who may enter this harbor. You may not come here anymore with your hard and abusive thoughts, with your plague ships of thoughts, with your slave ships of thoughts, with your warships of thoughts - all these will be turned away. Likewise, any thoughts that are filled with angry or starving exiles, with malcontents and pamphleteers, mutineers and violent assassins, desperate prostitutes, pimps and seditious stowaways - you may not come here anymore, either. Canniballistic thoughts, for obvious reasons, will no longer be received. Even missionaries will be screened carefully, for sincerity. This is a peaceful harbor, the entryway to a fine and proud island that is only now beginning to cultivate tranquility. If you can abide by these new laws, my dear thoughts, then you are welcome in my mind - otherwise, I shall turn you all back toward the sea from whence you came."
Guard the harbor of your mind. Set up your own rules and regulations. Be a strict harbor-master. Protect yourself from unwelcome intruders that will only steal from your spirit, destroy your contentment and leave you wounded and alone.
One final piece of wisdom on this topic. Philippians 4:8 says, "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."
These things... are worth welcoming in to your harbor. Worth thinking about. Worth asking to stop by and stay for a while.
But those are just my thoughts... Just something for you to think about I guess.
Thinking. We all spend a considerable amount of time thinking. Thinking about the past, the future, what we want to do or eat, who we'd like to meet or where we'd like to go. Thinking about our goals, failures, conversations, weaknesses, dreams etc. Thinking is a good thing, a natural thing a necessary thing. After stupid mistakes or poor choices, it is normal to hear the phrase, "What was she thinking!?" Or "I just wasn't thinking." So, it's imperative that we think... but also that we think wisely.
You see, thinking (though necessary) can also be incredibly cruel and destructive. I'm reminded of a quote from Beauty & the Beast.
Gaston: Lefou I'm afraid I've been thinking...
Lefou: A dangerous past time.
Gaston: I know.
It is a silly part of the song, but I've realized that this concept holds some serious truth.
It's important to recognize which thoughts are beneficial and which are harmful. Start taking the time to identify what you spend your time thinking about. Be good to yourself. Reject the urge to think negatively. Spinning your weaknesses, failures and frustrations over and over in your mind is terribly unhealthy for the body and soul.
I'm reading an interesting book called, "EAT PRAY LOVE" by Elizabeth Gilbert. (Recently a movie starring Julia Roberts). In the book, she discusses the "impossible task" of controlling your thoughts. She makes a vow to monitor her thoughts and repeat the saying, "I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore." I love how she makes sense out of good thinking and bad thinking. I'll share it with you.
She writes, "A harbor, of course, is a place of refuge, a port of entry. I pictured the harbor of my mind - a little beat-up, perhaps, a little storm-worn, but well situated and with a nice depth. The harbor of my mind is an open bay, the only access to the island of my Self. This island has been through some wars, it is true, but it is now committed to peace, under a new leader (me) who has instituted new policies to protect the place. And now - let the word go out across the seven seas - there are much, much stricter laws on the books about who may enter this harbor. You may not come here anymore with your hard and abusive thoughts, with your plague ships of thoughts, with your slave ships of thoughts, with your warships of thoughts - all these will be turned away. Likewise, any thoughts that are filled with angry or starving exiles, with malcontents and pamphleteers, mutineers and violent assassins, desperate prostitutes, pimps and seditious stowaways - you may not come here anymore, either. Canniballistic thoughts, for obvious reasons, will no longer be received. Even missionaries will be screened carefully, for sincerity. This is a peaceful harbor, the entryway to a fine and proud island that is only now beginning to cultivate tranquility. If you can abide by these new laws, my dear thoughts, then you are welcome in my mind - otherwise, I shall turn you all back toward the sea from whence you came."
Guard the harbor of your mind. Set up your own rules and regulations. Be a strict harbor-master. Protect yourself from unwelcome intruders that will only steal from your spirit, destroy your contentment and leave you wounded and alone.
One final piece of wisdom on this topic. Philippians 4:8 says, "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."
These things... are worth welcoming in to your harbor. Worth thinking about. Worth asking to stop by and stay for a while.
But those are just my thoughts... Just something for you to think about I guess.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Since I've been gone... apologies & poetry
Oh no... I am ashamed to admit that I did, in fact, completely neglect my blog. No, I haven't completely neglected my writing... just the posting part. Maybe I'll try and get back to it. Until then... I found some poetry that I wrote within the last year. Poetry is an interesting animal... it's kinda weird. Kinda makes the writer seem eccentric. Kinda makes "normal people" nervous. So... at risk of making anyone too nervous, I'm gonna share some of my favorites. I suppose it is kinda weird and I am kinda eccentric. Oh well.
COLD HANDS
All the pretty girls
With perfect curls, brand new shoes & shimmering eyes
Have a hand to hold, chose
By the nice boys, walking close side by side.
Giggling, floating, dreaming, seeing nothing
But him.
And only the plain girls
With wind blown hair, borrowed shoes & squinted eyes
walk all alone, spinning
‘round to not miss a thing,
Artists capturing the skyline, dancers lost in the breeze.
Eyes to the sky taking in the city lights,
The sparkle illuminating her every step.
Stopping to hear the music,
Seeing the water spill from the fountain,
Tossing in a penny, wishing to see more.
Experiencing
Everything.
Thinking How beautiful. Does anyone notice?
SOMEDAY POISON
Giggles seep beneath her door
The “someday” poison introduced
Days pass. Hearts break. Dreams wait.
Pages fill with hopeful words
Too deep, a risk to speak.
The plague ignites and carries on,
The days longed for far off.
The here, the now, forgot.
Moments missed or just ignored
The life desired is coming.
Choked by the drug of “somewhere else”
The present; lost, rejected.
Clocks tick. Hearts sick. Dreams dying.
Living starts when hearts can see
That life and joy is now.
Health and hope renewed, refreshed
When dreams are lived today.
Time’s here. Choose joy. Live now.
ENJOY THE SHOW
Once you dared to change the plot.
Threw out your lines, leaving me
Clueless.
My turn to speak there was nothing there.
The flawless dialogue, storyline
Gone.
It was perfect, how I wrote it.
It was mine. How you ruined it.
Missed your cue, or just ignored it,
Forced to ad-lib
I froze.
Just then I saw you sitting comfortably
In my old directors chair.
Is this your story, mine forgotten?
Is all I worked for lost, abandoned?
So I’m an actor, this not my story,
I’m told to simply play my part.
No purpose fighting, on the stage now,
Confused and doubting lines not mine.
Surprised I found this role refreshing.
Not my job to run the show.
Captivated by the story, I got
Lost, forgot my worry.
There’s joy I found, when just
Performing. Acting, living impromptu.
No missed lines, no plot to follow
Just twist and turn and watch it flow.
So thank you, life, please come and join me.
Join me and enjoy the show.
Oh.... and you may notice that a couple of these poems are inspired by previous blog entries.
COLD HANDS
All the pretty girls
With perfect curls, brand new shoes & shimmering eyes
Have a hand to hold, chose
By the nice boys, walking close side by side.
Giggling, floating, dreaming, seeing nothing
But him.
And only the plain girls
With wind blown hair, borrowed shoes & squinted eyes
walk all alone, spinning
‘round to not miss a thing,
Artists capturing the skyline, dancers lost in the breeze.
Eyes to the sky taking in the city lights,
The sparkle illuminating her every step.
Stopping to hear the music,
Seeing the water spill from the fountain,
Tossing in a penny, wishing to see more.
Experiencing
Everything.
Thinking How beautiful. Does anyone notice?
SOMEDAY POISON
Giggles seep beneath her door
The “someday” poison introduced
Days pass. Hearts break. Dreams wait.
Pages fill with hopeful words
Too deep, a risk to speak.
The plague ignites and carries on,
The days longed for far off.
The here, the now, forgot.
Moments missed or just ignored
The life desired is coming.
Choked by the drug of “somewhere else”
The present; lost, rejected.
Clocks tick. Hearts sick. Dreams dying.
Living starts when hearts can see
That life and joy is now.
Health and hope renewed, refreshed
When dreams are lived today.
Time’s here. Choose joy. Live now.
ENJOY THE SHOW
Once you dared to change the plot.
Threw out your lines, leaving me
Clueless.
My turn to speak there was nothing there.
The flawless dialogue, storyline
Gone.
It was perfect, how I wrote it.
It was mine. How you ruined it.
Missed your cue, or just ignored it,
Forced to ad-lib
I froze.
Just then I saw you sitting comfortably
In my old directors chair.
Is this your story, mine forgotten?
Is all I worked for lost, abandoned?
So I’m an actor, this not my story,
I’m told to simply play my part.
No purpose fighting, on the stage now,
Confused and doubting lines not mine.
Surprised I found this role refreshing.
Not my job to run the show.
Captivated by the story, I got
Lost, forgot my worry.
There’s joy I found, when just
Performing. Acting, living impromptu.
No missed lines, no plot to follow
Just twist and turn and watch it flow.
So thank you, life, please come and join me.
Join me and enjoy the show.
Oh.... and you may notice that a couple of these poems are inspired by previous blog entries.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Independence
I have always wanted to be independent. I longed to be the girl that could thrive all on her own. Needing no one, happy and capable alone. This ideal isn't supposed to sound lonely or sad... it has just always been my desire to cut loose the ties and stand on my own. To feel truly independent. I was never sure when I would get there, what it would feel like or how I would know.
Just over a month ago I moved to Chicago. I went with a hope that this adventure in the big city would make me feel truly independent. That walking down the busy streets and taking public transportation and living in an apartment under my own name would confirm to me that yes indeed, I, was truly an independent woman. Well, there have been a few times that the city life seemed to convince me of my independence... but until a few days ago... I was really never sure.
A few days ago I found myself alone, on a train, feeling terribly nauseous. I seemed to have picked up some sort of flu or food poisoning over the weekend in the suburbs, and it started to hit on my trip back to the city. I remember sitting on the train holding my bags and trying to figure out where the most appropriate place to vomit would be if that should become necessary.
Finally, I made it back to my apartment. The rest of the night was spent lying on the bathroom floor... alone. This is when I realized what it means to be on my own. Goodbye ideals and hello reality. As the hours slowly crept by and I did my best to take care of myself, I remembered the days of being sick at home. The days when my mom would hold my hair and rub my back and try to make everything seem okay. The days when my sister would play nurse and I would drink tea and eat homemade soup. The days when being sick meant just lying still and being completely dependent on those around you. Then, I wondered why that was something I was so eager to get away from. Why did I want to try and live all on my own?
I called my mom that night around 3:00am. She was hours away and there was nothing she could do... but in that moment, I just needed to know someone was there. In that moment, the last thing I wanted was independence. I wanted someone to take care of me, to whisper softly and hold me close.
As I recovered over the next couple of days, making my own soup and disinfecting my own bathroom, I started to reevaluate my desire to live independently. I began to realize the deep need that I have for people in my life. I thought about how unnatural it is to rely only on myself. I found my perspectives shifting. In my low days of being sick, I was finally aware of how silly it is to want to be on my own. I also realized that it isn't just when I'm physically sick that it is better to have others to lean on. Life isn't meant to be lived alone. Though I may be capable of getting around by myself or taking care of myself or being completely on my own... why should I want that? Why not surround myself with people who will be there when I'm dragging, run with me when I'm energized and make memories with me along the way? No longer will I pride myself in my independence. Instead, I will be thankful for those who enrich my life... hold me up... take my hand... show me the way... and help me live life as it was intended to be lived. Together.
Just over a month ago I moved to Chicago. I went with a hope that this adventure in the big city would make me feel truly independent. That walking down the busy streets and taking public transportation and living in an apartment under my own name would confirm to me that yes indeed, I, was truly an independent woman. Well, there have been a few times that the city life seemed to convince me of my independence... but until a few days ago... I was really never sure.
A few days ago I found myself alone, on a train, feeling terribly nauseous. I seemed to have picked up some sort of flu or food poisoning over the weekend in the suburbs, and it started to hit on my trip back to the city. I remember sitting on the train holding my bags and trying to figure out where the most appropriate place to vomit would be if that should become necessary.
Finally, I made it back to my apartment. The rest of the night was spent lying on the bathroom floor... alone. This is when I realized what it means to be on my own. Goodbye ideals and hello reality. As the hours slowly crept by and I did my best to take care of myself, I remembered the days of being sick at home. The days when my mom would hold my hair and rub my back and try to make everything seem okay. The days when my sister would play nurse and I would drink tea and eat homemade soup. The days when being sick meant just lying still and being completely dependent on those around you. Then, I wondered why that was something I was so eager to get away from. Why did I want to try and live all on my own?
I called my mom that night around 3:00am. She was hours away and there was nothing she could do... but in that moment, I just needed to know someone was there. In that moment, the last thing I wanted was independence. I wanted someone to take care of me, to whisper softly and hold me close.
As I recovered over the next couple of days, making my own soup and disinfecting my own bathroom, I started to reevaluate my desire to live independently. I began to realize the deep need that I have for people in my life. I thought about how unnatural it is to rely only on myself. I found my perspectives shifting. In my low days of being sick, I was finally aware of how silly it is to want to be on my own. I also realized that it isn't just when I'm physically sick that it is better to have others to lean on. Life isn't meant to be lived alone. Though I may be capable of getting around by myself or taking care of myself or being completely on my own... why should I want that? Why not surround myself with people who will be there when I'm dragging, run with me when I'm energized and make memories with me along the way? No longer will I pride myself in my independence. Instead, I will be thankful for those who enrich my life... hold me up... take my hand... show me the way... and help me live life as it was intended to be lived. Together.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Highlight of the day
I don't know what kind of day you had. I don't know what is on your mind as you read this. You may be cheerful, excited or content... or you may be tired, anxious, lonely or down. Whatever it may be... I want to challenge you to choose joy.
Notice, I didn't challenge you to "be happy." My words were to, "choose joy." John Neafsey writes, "It is possible, for example, to experience a sense of quiet joy in our souls about the overall direction of our love or work life even if things are not particularly easy or pleasant at any given moment" (Neafsey, A Sacred Voice is Calling, 43). Too often we confuse joy for the happiness we may or may not experience in the present moment. Life is hard. People are complicated. Situations are frustrating. Yet... joy can be found. The task of seeking and choosing joy is not always natural. We have a human tendency to focus on our temporary troubles fooling ourselves into thinking there is nothing to celebrate. Nothing worthy of bringing joy. Throw out those lies! Join me in a life-giving, truth-expressing decision for joy.
In my most current journal, there is a designated box on every other page that says, "Highlight of the day." When I first started writing in this particular journal, I remember thinking that this box was unnecessary. I figured that anything worth writing I would have already written within the pages of the journal. It would be redundant to write it again in the box. However, I shortly realized that some days I really hadn't written anything that day that I would consider a "highlight." Some days my journal entries were simply factual, whiny, and just plain uneventful or dismal. On those days, there seemed to be nothing worth highlighting. It was this realization that prompted me to dig deeper for joy. I had to come up with something to write in the box... so I thought a little harder about what was right about the day. What was one thing worth celebrating... worth remembering. During these moments I was able to push aside all that went wrong... all that hurt... and think only of the pleasantries. I can't tell you what a blessing this has become! By consciously choosing to acknowledge at least one good thing from my day, I'm affirming that life is indeed rich with blessings... that joy is all around me... I've just been neglecting to notice.
Ending my journal entries and my days with a "written box of joy" lifts my spirits and lets me truly live. Live as I was meant to. A lot can go wrong in a day. For some reason the wrong is easy to find and remember... but I challenge you to make the effort and seek joy. I've surprised myself by the hints of joy that come to my mind when I take the time to notice. For me, joy can be as grand as getting to see family or friends after way too long... or as simple as the perfect cup of hot chocolate on a cold day. Try it... and once you do, you'll find that joy is all around you. That there is much to celebrate. That the little things are shouting out proving worthy to be called joy.
Highlight of the day: Sitting on the counter top with my roommates talking about life and eating spoonfuls of peanut butter. Sipping a delicious caramel machiato at a bookstore while reading and watching the snow fall quietly on the city. Singing "Just around the riverbend" in public with a friend. A text message that made me smile. Phone call from a faraway friend. Feeling like I belong here. MnMs. The sunset. A pair of new shoes. An old pair of jeans.
But those are just a few of mine... Now it's your turn! Look for joy -- name it -- live it!
Notice, I didn't challenge you to "be happy." My words were to, "choose joy." John Neafsey writes, "It is possible, for example, to experience a sense of quiet joy in our souls about the overall direction of our love or work life even if things are not particularly easy or pleasant at any given moment" (Neafsey, A Sacred Voice is Calling, 43). Too often we confuse joy for the happiness we may or may not experience in the present moment. Life is hard. People are complicated. Situations are frustrating. Yet... joy can be found. The task of seeking and choosing joy is not always natural. We have a human tendency to focus on our temporary troubles fooling ourselves into thinking there is nothing to celebrate. Nothing worthy of bringing joy. Throw out those lies! Join me in a life-giving, truth-expressing decision for joy.
In my most current journal, there is a designated box on every other page that says, "Highlight of the day." When I first started writing in this particular journal, I remember thinking that this box was unnecessary. I figured that anything worth writing I would have already written within the pages of the journal. It would be redundant to write it again in the box. However, I shortly realized that some days I really hadn't written anything that day that I would consider a "highlight." Some days my journal entries were simply factual, whiny, and just plain uneventful or dismal. On those days, there seemed to be nothing worth highlighting. It was this realization that prompted me to dig deeper for joy. I had to come up with something to write in the box... so I thought a little harder about what was right about the day. What was one thing worth celebrating... worth remembering. During these moments I was able to push aside all that went wrong... all that hurt... and think only of the pleasantries. I can't tell you what a blessing this has become! By consciously choosing to acknowledge at least one good thing from my day, I'm affirming that life is indeed rich with blessings... that joy is all around me... I've just been neglecting to notice.
Ending my journal entries and my days with a "written box of joy" lifts my spirits and lets me truly live. Live as I was meant to. A lot can go wrong in a day. For some reason the wrong is easy to find and remember... but I challenge you to make the effort and seek joy. I've surprised myself by the hints of joy that come to my mind when I take the time to notice. For me, joy can be as grand as getting to see family or friends after way too long... or as simple as the perfect cup of hot chocolate on a cold day. Try it... and once you do, you'll find that joy is all around you. That there is much to celebrate. That the little things are shouting out proving worthy to be called joy.
Highlight of the day: Sitting on the counter top with my roommates talking about life and eating spoonfuls of peanut butter. Sipping a delicious caramel machiato at a bookstore while reading and watching the snow fall quietly on the city. Singing "Just around the riverbend" in public with a friend. A text message that made me smile. Phone call from a faraway friend. Feeling like I belong here. MnMs. The sunset. A pair of new shoes. An old pair of jeans.
But those are just a few of mine... Now it's your turn! Look for joy -- name it -- live it!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Be Still
A few days ago, I began to read Robert Ellsberg's book, "The Saints' Guide to Happiness." Of the many "guides to happiness" out there, this one is definitely worth your time. Chapter four of the book focuses on the theme of being still. Something we know little about. Ellsberg illustrates how important it is to learn to be content and to be quiet. Very few people have mastered the art of silence. We constantly fill our lives with noise and business. We hate to be still. Even when our surroundings are calm, our minds are working overtime. Ellsberg calls this, "inner noise." He writes, "Even when it is quiet outdoors, we are filled with internal voices and alarms, reminding us of what needs to be done, what we have done poorly, what has been done in the past" (Ellsberg, 61). Throughout the chapter, Ellsberg pleads with us to follow the example of the saints by eliminating distractions, learning to be alone, embracing the present moment and listening to the inner voice. If we seek these goals, we will be on the way to a fulfilling and lasting sort of happiness.
The section of chapter four that particularly struck my interest was the concept of living in the present. We are given the present, but hardly anyone truly knows how to approach it. We are burdened by or long for the past and we fear or anticipate the future, meanwhile, we are wasting the present. The gift of today. Pascal says, "We almost never think of the present, and if we do think of it, it is only to see what light it throws on our plans for the future... thus we never actually live, but hope to live, and since we are always planning to be happy, it is inevitable that we should never be so" (Ellsberg, 65). That is a powerful statement full of wisdom. We need to stop focusing on the past and the future in order to embrace where we are and truly live. Buddha instructs, "It is the way of deep observation to see that the past no longer exists and the future has yet to come, and to dwell at ease in the present moment, free from desire" (Ellsberg, 67). We are giving the best life to the self when we remove the thoughts of the past and the pressures of the future. When we simplify our mindset and find fulfillement in the here and now.
Towards the end of the chapter, Ellsberg talks about the many frustrating and annoying situations that often make up our daily lives. Ellsberg writes, "Life inevitably supplies us with tedious situations: sitting in traffic, standing in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles, returning books to the library... God's will is present in these moments, no less than in occasions of comfort and joy, perhaps calling us to greater patience, humility and compassion" (Ellsberg, 72). This concept of choosing to be happy even in the tedious happenings of life is something I've thought about quite a bit lately. On Saturday, I spent over two hours waiting at the CVS pharmacy to get a simple TB test done that was required for my internship. I went in to the minute clinic thinking that this would take only a few minutes. Apparently, when they say "minute" they mean "hours." At first when I noticed that my name was number seven on the waiting list, I felt myself get really irritated and annoyed. Then, as I looked around, I noticed the ugliness and anger on the faces of those waiting around me. Nobody wanted to be there. Nobody was happy. It was then that I thought of the foolishness of that mindset. We were all going to wait, so why wait with a scowl on our faces? I had to make a conscious decision to find the good in the present moment and hopefully, spread some of that cheer on to others. I found that my waiting experience was much more enjoyable when I wiped away my frown and tried to celebrate the moment. This idea is something that I've taken with me to my internship as well. I work in a counseling office, and am involved with lots of menial administrative tasks. While I'm stuffing envelopes or shredding paper, I try to enjoy the moment. To stop the feelings of discontent as soon as they arise. As a result, my day goes faster, my coworkers seem friendlier and I am much happier. There is joy to be found in the present, all we need to do is be still, acknowledge it and let it flourish.
The section of chapter four that particularly struck my interest was the concept of living in the present. We are given the present, but hardly anyone truly knows how to approach it. We are burdened by or long for the past and we fear or anticipate the future, meanwhile, we are wasting the present. The gift of today. Pascal says, "We almost never think of the present, and if we do think of it, it is only to see what light it throws on our plans for the future... thus we never actually live, but hope to live, and since we are always planning to be happy, it is inevitable that we should never be so" (Ellsberg, 65). That is a powerful statement full of wisdom. We need to stop focusing on the past and the future in order to embrace where we are and truly live. Buddha instructs, "It is the way of deep observation to see that the past no longer exists and the future has yet to come, and to dwell at ease in the present moment, free from desire" (Ellsberg, 67). We are giving the best life to the self when we remove the thoughts of the past and the pressures of the future. When we simplify our mindset and find fulfillement in the here and now.
Towards the end of the chapter, Ellsberg talks about the many frustrating and annoying situations that often make up our daily lives. Ellsberg writes, "Life inevitably supplies us with tedious situations: sitting in traffic, standing in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles, returning books to the library... God's will is present in these moments, no less than in occasions of comfort and joy, perhaps calling us to greater patience, humility and compassion" (Ellsberg, 72). This concept of choosing to be happy even in the tedious happenings of life is something I've thought about quite a bit lately. On Saturday, I spent over two hours waiting at the CVS pharmacy to get a simple TB test done that was required for my internship. I went in to the minute clinic thinking that this would take only a few minutes. Apparently, when they say "minute" they mean "hours." At first when I noticed that my name was number seven on the waiting list, I felt myself get really irritated and annoyed. Then, as I looked around, I noticed the ugliness and anger on the faces of those waiting around me. Nobody wanted to be there. Nobody was happy. It was then that I thought of the foolishness of that mindset. We were all going to wait, so why wait with a scowl on our faces? I had to make a conscious decision to find the good in the present moment and hopefully, spread some of that cheer on to others. I found that my waiting experience was much more enjoyable when I wiped away my frown and tried to celebrate the moment. This idea is something that I've taken with me to my internship as well. I work in a counseling office, and am involved with lots of menial administrative tasks. While I'm stuffing envelopes or shredding paper, I try to enjoy the moment. To stop the feelings of discontent as soon as they arise. As a result, my day goes faster, my coworkers seem friendlier and I am much happier. There is joy to be found in the present, all we need to do is be still, acknowledge it and let it flourish.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Bad Timing
Timing is everything. Life requires good timing. I have realized over and over again that I have depressingly bad timing. Maybe this is what made me a such a lousy athlete. I jump before the ball arrives, I kick after the ball is gone, I slide into home after the catcher steps on the plate. Can't quite connect at the right time.
There's also the awkwardness that comes from saying something at the wrong time, or walking into the room at the wrong time... you just wish with all you are that you could take it back, try again later... or, if it was bad enough... never again.
Sometimes I find myself wishing that I could be one of those people with everything together. You know what I mean, the person who is always on time, always looks great, always says the right thing and always in a mutually adoring relationship. Why do things always work out SO perfectly for this person? Why am I a step behind... or two or three?
Bad timing seems to be my life story with relationships in particular. I'm interested, he's not. He's pursuing, I'm running away. I've fallen hard, he's changed his mind. Never on the same page. Always bad timing.
But wait... could it be possible that my "bad timing" was actually the perfect timing? That it only appeared like bad timing because I couldn't see around the corner? Because I wasn't aware of the bigger picture, of the master plan?
The more I think about it, I am so thankful that my timing has consistently been a little bit off. It has saved me from lots of things that I thought were perfect... but in recollection, I can see would have been nothing short of disastrous. If that relationship I was so sad to see disappear would have worked out, I don't doubt I would be currently dealing with a lot more heartache than I dealt with at that time. If my timing would have went the way I wanted... my life would look very different. I can see now that the "bad timing" in my life was really an answer to prayer. My prayer that nothing happen in my life contrary to God's perfect plan... God's perfect timing.
So maybe... maybe my timing isn't really off at all. Maybe when it feels wrong... it is just the nudge I need to remind me that this is exactly how things are to be in this time. The right time that I seem to be waiting for may take a few more ticks of the clock... a few more turns of the calendar... a few more steps down the road.
It's not fun to go through life feeling off beat or behind. Choose to celebrate the unique timeline of your life. Don't try to fit into the stereotypical mold that people set before you. Next time you think you are a victim of more bad timing... throw out the negative feelings and be thankful. Say, "Thank you. Thank you for overruling my messed up plan and replacing it with something greater than I could ever ask for or imagine."
There's also the awkwardness that comes from saying something at the wrong time, or walking into the room at the wrong time... you just wish with all you are that you could take it back, try again later... or, if it was bad enough... never again.
Sometimes I find myself wishing that I could be one of those people with everything together. You know what I mean, the person who is always on time, always looks great, always says the right thing and always in a mutually adoring relationship. Why do things always work out SO perfectly for this person? Why am I a step behind... or two or three?
Bad timing seems to be my life story with relationships in particular. I'm interested, he's not. He's pursuing, I'm running away. I've fallen hard, he's changed his mind. Never on the same page. Always bad timing.
But wait... could it be possible that my "bad timing" was actually the perfect timing? That it only appeared like bad timing because I couldn't see around the corner? Because I wasn't aware of the bigger picture, of the master plan?
The more I think about it, I am so thankful that my timing has consistently been a little bit off. It has saved me from lots of things that I thought were perfect... but in recollection, I can see would have been nothing short of disastrous. If that relationship I was so sad to see disappear would have worked out, I don't doubt I would be currently dealing with a lot more heartache than I dealt with at that time. If my timing would have went the way I wanted... my life would look very different. I can see now that the "bad timing" in my life was really an answer to prayer. My prayer that nothing happen in my life contrary to God's perfect plan... God's perfect timing.
So maybe... maybe my timing isn't really off at all. Maybe when it feels wrong... it is just the nudge I need to remind me that this is exactly how things are to be in this time. The right time that I seem to be waiting for may take a few more ticks of the clock... a few more turns of the calendar... a few more steps down the road.
It's not fun to go through life feeling off beat or behind. Choose to celebrate the unique timeline of your life. Don't try to fit into the stereotypical mold that people set before you. Next time you think you are a victim of more bad timing... throw out the negative feelings and be thankful. Say, "Thank you. Thank you for overruling my messed up plan and replacing it with something greater than I could ever ask for or imagine."
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Done Directing
"Cut!" I demand in frustration. "No, no, no! How could you miss your line!?"
I'm the director of my life story. I select the characters, write the script and develop the plot. I know exactly who should enter the scene at a particular time and what they should do and say. It is perfect. Sure to be a box office sell out.
With this in mind, I often get frustrated when my characters miss their cues... when someone adds a twist to my story... when life doesn't listen to my directions. I'm the director, right? I know best, right? Maybe not.
I can't help it that I'm a dreamer and a writer (a dangerous combination I might add). I read a lot, write quite often and dream constantly. This lifestyle sets me up for frustration after frustration if I'm not careful. I know what a perfect conversation looks like. I thrive on finding the perfect words. Timing of events is crucial. Characters and settings, opportunities and drama... I know exactly how they should unfold. I want to write it out and simply watch it play out. Flawlessly.
Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one following the script. I know my lines as well as the lines of everybody else. Why can't the other actors take the time to learn their lines? I say my line and wait eagerly for the clever response that I have written... and to my disappointment... it never comes. The cue was there, the timing perfect, the line was missed. As the director I can't believe how this can happen over and over. With this kind of performance, I might as well call off the show. The plot is confusing, the characters boring, and the timing completely off.
It is then that I realize that it is not just my show. What is obvious and scripted to me may be missing from the script of another. We all have our own scripts, our own dreams, our own expectations. The trick is to take our differing stories and combine them into one big, elaborate, confusing and constantly changing show. I need to step down from my job as director and live within the collective story, as an actress in a greater story.
Directing is a huge responsibility with too much stress for one person to handle. So, I'm throwing out my script with my perfect dialogues, romantic twists and exhilarating opportunities. I'm going to live a little impromptu. I just may find that the unexpected reality is more vibrant than my dreams, more humorous than my writings and more perfect than my hopes.
I'm the director of my life story. I select the characters, write the script and develop the plot. I know exactly who should enter the scene at a particular time and what they should do and say. It is perfect. Sure to be a box office sell out.
With this in mind, I often get frustrated when my characters miss their cues... when someone adds a twist to my story... when life doesn't listen to my directions. I'm the director, right? I know best, right? Maybe not.
I can't help it that I'm a dreamer and a writer (a dangerous combination I might add). I read a lot, write quite often and dream constantly. This lifestyle sets me up for frustration after frustration if I'm not careful. I know what a perfect conversation looks like. I thrive on finding the perfect words. Timing of events is crucial. Characters and settings, opportunities and drama... I know exactly how they should unfold. I want to write it out and simply watch it play out. Flawlessly.
Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one following the script. I know my lines as well as the lines of everybody else. Why can't the other actors take the time to learn their lines? I say my line and wait eagerly for the clever response that I have written... and to my disappointment... it never comes. The cue was there, the timing perfect, the line was missed. As the director I can't believe how this can happen over and over. With this kind of performance, I might as well call off the show. The plot is confusing, the characters boring, and the timing completely off.
It is then that I realize that it is not just my show. What is obvious and scripted to me may be missing from the script of another. We all have our own scripts, our own dreams, our own expectations. The trick is to take our differing stories and combine them into one big, elaborate, confusing and constantly changing show. I need to step down from my job as director and live within the collective story, as an actress in a greater story.
Directing is a huge responsibility with too much stress for one person to handle. So, I'm throwing out my script with my perfect dialogues, romantic twists and exhilarating opportunities. I'm going to live a little impromptu. I just may find that the unexpected reality is more vibrant than my dreams, more humorous than my writings and more perfect than my hopes.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Um... I'm not quite sure...
"Elizabeth!" They screech, "It's SO good to see you! Let me look at you!"
Oh yes... there is something about going home for the weekend. I think the healthiest way to deal with the guaranteed interrogation is to simply expect it. When you go away to college or spend time away for anther reason, upon returning "home" chances are you will become quite the attraction. Everyone will want to look you over, give you a hug and drill you with the same questions. Just be ready for it.
Everyone seems to want to know how you are managing life away from your small town or close knit community. Have you put on the freshman fifteen? Did you get any new piercings, tattoos or a crazy hair cut? Are you walking in with a guy on your arm? Do you appear confident, happy, healthy, and successful or drained, flustered, messy and depressed? Some of these things can be determined by the dreaded once over... you can tell that your English teacher disapproves of your nose ring without her saying a single word.
Yet... some people dig deeper. They begin the horribly predictable sequence of questions. "What year are you now?" "And you're studying...." "What will you do with that, dear?" "So you'll need to attend grad school?" "Where will you go for that?" "When do start your application process?" "How nice." "So, are you dating anyone these days?" "No? Just thought I'd ask. Maybe next year, honey." The questions go on and on.
If you have answers, it isn't so bad. The question comes and boom you knock it down with your well rehearsed and impressive answer. Take that! But... when things in life aren't quite so obvious... and such is life... it can be kinda awkward and uncomfortable. "What are you going to do with that?"
"Um... I'm not exactly sure..."
"Not sure!? Shouldn't you have that figured out about now?"
"Yes... maybe... but I don't." Nobody wants to appear confused or undirected or out of control. Nobody likes the feeling of uncertainty, and that feeling gets escalated when forced to communicate it to probing others.
I was there. I am there. I will be there. I've come to realize that my life is full of questions that I don't have the answers to. There is so much I don't know about today, let alone tomorrow or 3 years from now. The truth is, even the answers I think I have... are probably wrong. And do you know what? That is the beauty of life. The unpredictability. The uncertainty. The bend in the road.
Next time you find yourself in line for an unwanted interrogation... recognize the unanswered questions as gifts to be opened. Surprises to come. Uncertainty does not have to be a weakness, it can be an anticipated revelation. So, smile and look your great aunt Judy in the eye, let her make the assessments she would like, but be confident in your unknown plans. In the paths yet to be revealed. Be excited and believe that the best is yet to come!
Oh yes... there is something about going home for the weekend. I think the healthiest way to deal with the guaranteed interrogation is to simply expect it. When you go away to college or spend time away for anther reason, upon returning "home" chances are you will become quite the attraction. Everyone will want to look you over, give you a hug and drill you with the same questions. Just be ready for it.
Everyone seems to want to know how you are managing life away from your small town or close knit community. Have you put on the freshman fifteen? Did you get any new piercings, tattoos or a crazy hair cut? Are you walking in with a guy on your arm? Do you appear confident, happy, healthy, and successful or drained, flustered, messy and depressed? Some of these things can be determined by the dreaded once over... you can tell that your English teacher disapproves of your nose ring without her saying a single word.
Yet... some people dig deeper. They begin the horribly predictable sequence of questions. "What year are you now?" "And you're studying...." "What will you do with that, dear?" "So you'll need to attend grad school?" "Where will you go for that?" "When do start your application process?" "How nice." "So, are you dating anyone these days?" "No? Just thought I'd ask. Maybe next year, honey." The questions go on and on.
If you have answers, it isn't so bad. The question comes and boom you knock it down with your well rehearsed and impressive answer. Take that! But... when things in life aren't quite so obvious... and such is life... it can be kinda awkward and uncomfortable. "What are you going to do with that?"
"Um... I'm not exactly sure..."
"Not sure!? Shouldn't you have that figured out about now?"
"Yes... maybe... but I don't." Nobody wants to appear confused or undirected or out of control. Nobody likes the feeling of uncertainty, and that feeling gets escalated when forced to communicate it to probing others.
I was there. I am there. I will be there. I've come to realize that my life is full of questions that I don't have the answers to. There is so much I don't know about today, let alone tomorrow or 3 years from now. The truth is, even the answers I think I have... are probably wrong. And do you know what? That is the beauty of life. The unpredictability. The uncertainty. The bend in the road.
Next time you find yourself in line for an unwanted interrogation... recognize the unanswered questions as gifts to be opened. Surprises to come. Uncertainty does not have to be a weakness, it can be an anticipated revelation. So, smile and look your great aunt Judy in the eye, let her make the assessments she would like, but be confident in your unknown plans. In the paths yet to be revealed. Be excited and believe that the best is yet to come!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Car Trouble
My philosophy on cars is that they should be a convenience, not a nuisance. I have my car to make my life simpler and easier. To get me from one place to the next in a faster, more comfortable manner. All is well and little is thought about until... there's a problem. Until... that little light comes on, or you see smoke, or you hear something that even I would notice as very very wrong, or... it simply refuses to start. Car trouble is a pain.
The extent of my motor vehicle expertise ends with filling it up with gas and pretty accurately checking the oil. Oh yeah, and I can pop the hood with very few problems. I've had my fair share of car trouble. Thankfully, through my issues, I've always had people in my life to help me out. Someone I can rely on to open her up and make a diagnosis.
This past week, a friend of mine couldn't get her car to start. So... she called me. I'm not sure I was her most valuable life-line in her moment of need... but I offered what I could. I put together a team of myself, my brother, his two roommates, two cars, and a set of borrowed jumper cables. Together we ventured out in the pouring rain to her sad and sickly car.
To my amazement and satisfaction, we got her car to run.
Unfortunately, getting her car started that night did not guarantee it would agree to run the next day. The complication proved to be more complicated than our efforts could handle. We did what we could in that moment, but ultimately, something more thorough and complex needed to be done. She needed a mechanic, or someone even better for the job... her dad.
Yes, her dad made the five hour drive to revive her car. Now, she can start her car up with confidence and thankfulness.
As usual, situations like this make me think deeper about life. Aren't there times in your life when things just aren't quite right? When you are stuck out in the parking lot of life and can't seem to get anywhere? When you just want to get to the next place, but you simply can't?
This is when we often rely on those around us. We lean heavily on our friends, roommates, neighbors, anyone who will stand with us in the rain, in the struggle. Often this is very helpful. They give us the right words, the right shock of motivation. Things seem to start up, to light up, to get going again.
Yet sometimes this is not enough. Sometimes the efforts of others fall a bit short. Sometimes we have a more complicated problem. Sometimes we need someone else. Sometimes we need our dad.
We need the One in our lives who will provide a more thorough fix. The One who cares enough to make all things right. To give us a new and lasting confidence and momentum.
So I urge you, next time you are struggling. Next time you are stuck. Don't settle for the temporary start-up that can come from those around you. Call on your Father. Your Heavenly father. The One who knows, who loves, who satisfies. He will come. He will heal.
The extent of my motor vehicle expertise ends with filling it up with gas and pretty accurately checking the oil. Oh yeah, and I can pop the hood with very few problems. I've had my fair share of car trouble. Thankfully, through my issues, I've always had people in my life to help me out. Someone I can rely on to open her up and make a diagnosis.
This past week, a friend of mine couldn't get her car to start. So... she called me. I'm not sure I was her most valuable life-line in her moment of need... but I offered what I could. I put together a team of myself, my brother, his two roommates, two cars, and a set of borrowed jumper cables. Together we ventured out in the pouring rain to her sad and sickly car.
To my amazement and satisfaction, we got her car to run.
Unfortunately, getting her car started that night did not guarantee it would agree to run the next day. The complication proved to be more complicated than our efforts could handle. We did what we could in that moment, but ultimately, something more thorough and complex needed to be done. She needed a mechanic, or someone even better for the job... her dad.
Yes, her dad made the five hour drive to revive her car. Now, she can start her car up with confidence and thankfulness.
As usual, situations like this make me think deeper about life. Aren't there times in your life when things just aren't quite right? When you are stuck out in the parking lot of life and can't seem to get anywhere? When you just want to get to the next place, but you simply can't?
This is when we often rely on those around us. We lean heavily on our friends, roommates, neighbors, anyone who will stand with us in the rain, in the struggle. Often this is very helpful. They give us the right words, the right shock of motivation. Things seem to start up, to light up, to get going again.
Yet sometimes this is not enough. Sometimes the efforts of others fall a bit short. Sometimes we have a more complicated problem. Sometimes we need someone else. Sometimes we need our dad.
We need the One in our lives who will provide a more thorough fix. The One who cares enough to make all things right. To give us a new and lasting confidence and momentum.
So I urge you, next time you are struggling. Next time you are stuck. Don't settle for the temporary start-up that can come from those around you. Call on your Father. Your Heavenly father. The One who knows, who loves, who satisfies. He will come. He will heal.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Dealing with Disappointment
I have an intense and out of control fear of disappointment. I hate the thought of disappointing myself and or others. I know this about myself and I still can't seem to find a healthy way to handle it.
My method to avoid disappointment is to simply prepare for it. I think the worst, I plan for failure, I refuse to wish too strongly, hope too deeply or feel too much. In doing this, I can never be disappointed, right? If I tell myself that things are not going to turn out, then I won't be crushed when things fall apart, right?
This character flaw extends to nearly every aspect of life. School, relationships, activities, ambitions, etc. If I expect to do poorly on every paper I write, I can only feel better about myself when I don't fail, but get a B. If I tell myself that this relationship will never really work out, I won't be devastated when things in fact do turn sour. If I tell those around me that I'm a horrible dodgeball player, then I won't be disappointing them when I get out right away. If I convince myself that I most likely won't be accepted into this or that program or receive certain praise, then I won't have to experience a sense of let down or disappointment when it doesn't come to be.
I guess the question I'm asking myself is this: does this preparedness for failure and disappointment really work? Does it hurt any less? Is this a good idea?
Part of me wants to say, "no." No, this doesn't work. I still hurt when things don't work out for the best. I still experience disappointment to its fullest and cruelest extent. I receive my paper on the verge of tears and walk away from a relationship with my pride no where in sight. It's miserable, it's messy and it's not working. Yet, this is all I know. I'm not brave enough to allow myself to think differently, positively. So, I lie to myself, convincing myself that this does work. That this is the best way. The only way.
Now that I'm trying to think realistically and honestly, what am I supposed to do?
Am I supposed to do a "perspective 180" and believe in all I do and in all that could be in the light that no wrong could ever come? That there is no chance of failure, let down or disappointment? This doesn't seem completely appropriate either.
So maybe... maybe I need to stop predicting. Stop assessing what my chances for success or failure are. Maybe I just need to be me, give my all, do my best and take the outcome for what it is. Maybe I should stop pre-judging my situations. No more 0% chance of success or 100% chance of success. How about I just live and take the results for what they are.
This will also involve a reevaluation of what it means to fail. Parker Palmer writes, "Embrace it all - and find in all of it opportunities for growth" (Palmer, Let Your Life Speak, 96). Instead of seeing things as black or white, disappointment or satisfaction... maybe I just need to see it as life. Take what I'm given, embrace it, and grow. Find in it opportunities. Opportunities to learn, live deeper and see clearer. Be confident. Not simply confident that you will "succeed," but confident that you are enough. That no matter what the result... things are okay! Throw away the scale of disappointment and learn to accept what you are given with grace, peace, contentment and joy.
My method to avoid disappointment is to simply prepare for it. I think the worst, I plan for failure, I refuse to wish too strongly, hope too deeply or feel too much. In doing this, I can never be disappointed, right? If I tell myself that things are not going to turn out, then I won't be crushed when things fall apart, right?
This character flaw extends to nearly every aspect of life. School, relationships, activities, ambitions, etc. If I expect to do poorly on every paper I write, I can only feel better about myself when I don't fail, but get a B. If I tell myself that this relationship will never really work out, I won't be devastated when things in fact do turn sour. If I tell those around me that I'm a horrible dodgeball player, then I won't be disappointing them when I get out right away. If I convince myself that I most likely won't be accepted into this or that program or receive certain praise, then I won't have to experience a sense of let down or disappointment when it doesn't come to be.
I guess the question I'm asking myself is this: does this preparedness for failure and disappointment really work? Does it hurt any less? Is this a good idea?
Part of me wants to say, "no." No, this doesn't work. I still hurt when things don't work out for the best. I still experience disappointment to its fullest and cruelest extent. I receive my paper on the verge of tears and walk away from a relationship with my pride no where in sight. It's miserable, it's messy and it's not working. Yet, this is all I know. I'm not brave enough to allow myself to think differently, positively. So, I lie to myself, convincing myself that this does work. That this is the best way. The only way.
Now that I'm trying to think realistically and honestly, what am I supposed to do?
Am I supposed to do a "perspective 180" and believe in all I do and in all that could be in the light that no wrong could ever come? That there is no chance of failure, let down or disappointment? This doesn't seem completely appropriate either.
So maybe... maybe I need to stop predicting. Stop assessing what my chances for success or failure are. Maybe I just need to be me, give my all, do my best and take the outcome for what it is. Maybe I should stop pre-judging my situations. No more 0% chance of success or 100% chance of success. How about I just live and take the results for what they are.
This will also involve a reevaluation of what it means to fail. Parker Palmer writes, "Embrace it all - and find in all of it opportunities for growth" (Palmer, Let Your Life Speak, 96). Instead of seeing things as black or white, disappointment or satisfaction... maybe I just need to see it as life. Take what I'm given, embrace it, and grow. Find in it opportunities. Opportunities to learn, live deeper and see clearer. Be confident. Not simply confident that you will "succeed," but confident that you are enough. That no matter what the result... things are okay! Throw away the scale of disappointment and learn to accept what you are given with grace, peace, contentment and joy.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Marathon
Yesterday I had the opportunity to cheer on my dear friend and roommate in the Chicago Marathon! 26.2 miles. Despite my initial perspective that this is pure ridiculousness and torture... there was something completely inspiring and exhilarating about the whole ordeal.
I'm told that 45,000 people signed themselves up for this madness. I joined the 1.5 million spectators that lined the course. I knew I was approaching the right street from quite a distance. All you could hear were the roars of cheering fans. There was never a lull in the enthusiasm. Young, old, athletes, parents, friends, coworkers, children, you name it... everyone was there to throw in their encouragement and support.
Signs and balloons brought a rainbow of color and glitter to the already cluttered streets. Words like, "You can do it!" or "Run, mommy, run!" appeared everywhere along the 26.2 mile route. Whether you were running or not, seeing the words on these signs gave you an extra dose of push and passion.
When a family or support group spotted their runner amidst the masses there was no stopping the flood of cheering, shouting, waving and clapping. Their purpose was escalated and it was their job to bring renewed energy and vigor. They did all they could to show love, support and encouragement. And often, it seemed that these particular runners could feel it. When finally they would spot a familiar face and hear the applause and cheer from their people, it seemed to me their step was momentarily lightened. They were able to push on a little stronger, a little faster.
Some runners sported clothing with their names written on it. At first I wondered the purpose of this, but it didn't take long to understand the brilliance. Though most runners were only known by a few people within the 1.5 million... their name could be known by all. Hearing your name shouted and cheered on is sometimes all you need. "Come on, Kate! Keep going, Kate! You can do it!" And in that moment, she believed she could.
Now, I'm not a runner, but I witnessed something beautiful yesterday that I believe in completely. I believe in the necessity to encourage each other in this race we call life. I know the "life is a race" analogy is overdone already, but it works so well. Here we are, making our way down the streets, through the crowds. Sometimes feeling alone. Sometimes feeling exhausted. Don't we need to see a sign that reminds us that we, in fact, can do it? Don't we need to see a crowd of familiar faces shouting and cheering and loving us? Don't we need someone to call out our name?
I need that. Don't you?
Life is hard sometimes. But I promise you, it is harder lived alone. We are called to live in community with each other. To live crowded along the streets together. To hold signs and shout and encourage.
It was beyond exhilarating to be a part of the group of spectators. Showed me the wealth of people who had the same goal. To encourage those they knew, and those they will never know on to the finish. Finish strong! You CAN do it!
So, just as it is natural to spend a cold, October Sunday morning along the streets in the windy city. It should be natural to recognize the marathons going on all around us. Is your sister rounding the corner of mile 12 wondering how she will ever make it? Is your neighbor in pain and in need of a little extra cheer? Is the checker at the grocery store trying to make his way up the hill at mile 25? Are you going to stand there silently? No! Get out your signs! Clap your hands! Shout their names!
Be an active participant in the marathons of others... and you just may find that they will be there for yours. "Almost there! Finish strong!"
I'm told that 45,000 people signed themselves up for this madness. I joined the 1.5 million spectators that lined the course. I knew I was approaching the right street from quite a distance. All you could hear were the roars of cheering fans. There was never a lull in the enthusiasm. Young, old, athletes, parents, friends, coworkers, children, you name it... everyone was there to throw in their encouragement and support.
Signs and balloons brought a rainbow of color and glitter to the already cluttered streets. Words like, "You can do it!" or "Run, mommy, run!" appeared everywhere along the 26.2 mile route. Whether you were running or not, seeing the words on these signs gave you an extra dose of push and passion.
When a family or support group spotted their runner amidst the masses there was no stopping the flood of cheering, shouting, waving and clapping. Their purpose was escalated and it was their job to bring renewed energy and vigor. They did all they could to show love, support and encouragement. And often, it seemed that these particular runners could feel it. When finally they would spot a familiar face and hear the applause and cheer from their people, it seemed to me their step was momentarily lightened. They were able to push on a little stronger, a little faster.
Some runners sported clothing with their names written on it. At first I wondered the purpose of this, but it didn't take long to understand the brilliance. Though most runners were only known by a few people within the 1.5 million... their name could be known by all. Hearing your name shouted and cheered on is sometimes all you need. "Come on, Kate! Keep going, Kate! You can do it!" And in that moment, she believed she could.
Now, I'm not a runner, but I witnessed something beautiful yesterday that I believe in completely. I believe in the necessity to encourage each other in this race we call life. I know the "life is a race" analogy is overdone already, but it works so well. Here we are, making our way down the streets, through the crowds. Sometimes feeling alone. Sometimes feeling exhausted. Don't we need to see a sign that reminds us that we, in fact, can do it? Don't we need to see a crowd of familiar faces shouting and cheering and loving us? Don't we need someone to call out our name?
I need that. Don't you?
Life is hard sometimes. But I promise you, it is harder lived alone. We are called to live in community with each other. To live crowded along the streets together. To hold signs and shout and encourage.
It was beyond exhilarating to be a part of the group of spectators. Showed me the wealth of people who had the same goal. To encourage those they knew, and those they will never know on to the finish. Finish strong! You CAN do it!
So, just as it is natural to spend a cold, October Sunday morning along the streets in the windy city. It should be natural to recognize the marathons going on all around us. Is your sister rounding the corner of mile 12 wondering how she will ever make it? Is your neighbor in pain and in need of a little extra cheer? Is the checker at the grocery store trying to make his way up the hill at mile 25? Are you going to stand there silently? No! Get out your signs! Clap your hands! Shout their names!
Be an active participant in the marathons of others... and you just may find that they will be there for yours. "Almost there! Finish strong!"
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Cold Hands
Walking around the busy streets of New York City on my Senior trip, I came to a realization. My hands were cold. It was early May, and the nights got a little brisk. Not the appropriate season to carry around mittens or gloves, my hands were sentenced to endure the cold alone. The part of this observation that stuck with me was that not everybody's hands had to feel this way. I watched with an unwanted jealousy as the hands of my friends and classmates found their way into the clasp of another. There was nobody to hold my hand. My hands would stay cold.
There is just something so desirable about holding hands. It is a promise that where you walk, I'll walk. When you stop, I'll stop. When you're cold, I'll keep you warm. I'll be there. With you, for you.
It is so easy to lose myself in this tragic realization. There is nobody to hold my hand. My hands will stay cold. And when I think about this, it is all I can think about. My hands are cold and there is nobody to make them warm. Why me? Poor me.
My hands have been cold for 20 years. Makes me wonder sometimes if this is a permanent condition. Maybe I have one of those circulation diseases that won't allow your hands to be warm. Or maybe... maybe it is to make me stronger. To show myself that I am enough and able on my own. Teaches me how to walk around this cold and lonely world with two hands free. Free to explore, to reach, to climb, to live. I have learned to buy a delicious "caramel high rise" from Caribou - the perfect amount of heat to my fingers. I have learned to throw an adorable pair of mittens in my purse -- even in May. I have learned to throw my hands in the air and dance with the breeze.
Someday, (oh that word "someday") someone may want to hold my hand. The thought of it makes me feel giggly and girly. But, all I have to say is that he better be prepared to let me go every now and then... I have learned to love having two hands a little bit cold.
There is just something so desirable about holding hands. It is a promise that where you walk, I'll walk. When you stop, I'll stop. When you're cold, I'll keep you warm. I'll be there. With you, for you.
It is so easy to lose myself in this tragic realization. There is nobody to hold my hand. My hands will stay cold. And when I think about this, it is all I can think about. My hands are cold and there is nobody to make them warm. Why me? Poor me.
My hands have been cold for 20 years. Makes me wonder sometimes if this is a permanent condition. Maybe I have one of those circulation diseases that won't allow your hands to be warm. Or maybe... maybe it is to make me stronger. To show myself that I am enough and able on my own. Teaches me how to walk around this cold and lonely world with two hands free. Free to explore, to reach, to climb, to live. I have learned to buy a delicious "caramel high rise" from Caribou - the perfect amount of heat to my fingers. I have learned to throw an adorable pair of mittens in my purse -- even in May. I have learned to throw my hands in the air and dance with the breeze.
Someday, (oh that word "someday") someone may want to hold my hand. The thought of it makes me feel giggly and girly. But, all I have to say is that he better be prepared to let me go every now and then... I have learned to love having two hands a little bit cold.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
My Own Story
I side with the abundance of people who list reading as one of their favorite hobbies. Is it to escape the monotony of our own lives? Is it to be inspired, to cry, to laugh, to be someone else? I love it while I'm reading... but as soon as I turn the last page... I am overwhelmed with a terrible sense of disappointment and let down. Life as I have been experiencing it... through someone else's words... is over. How do I pick myself up and start again? I guess I better quick find another book to fill that void. So the process continues. Living through the story of another.
Lately, I've been asking myself something new. Why not live and love my own story? Why not savor every word of the story of self? This type of thinking takes work. You have to look past the perspective that there is nothing noteworthy about your "average day." We need to stop thinking that way. We have been given TODAY. Search it, live it, find in it the story that is waiting to be told and appreciated.
Don't let your own story rest abandoned on the shelf. Take it out, skim through the pages already written. Let yourself laugh, cry, cringe, blush. Find the inspiration in your own story. Embellish it by living to the fullest. If you don't like the way the chapter is unfolding, direct it elsewhere. Take a turn. Or, if you can't... hold yourself strong and wait for the next chapter that is guaranteed to come.
Your life is beautiful and your story is worthy of being told. Give it a chance. And though there are disappointments, they are yours to overcome... and there will always be another word, another chapter, another day.
Lately, I've been asking myself something new. Why not live and love my own story? Why not savor every word of the story of self? This type of thinking takes work. You have to look past the perspective that there is nothing noteworthy about your "average day." We need to stop thinking that way. We have been given TODAY. Search it, live it, find in it the story that is waiting to be told and appreciated.
Don't let your own story rest abandoned on the shelf. Take it out, skim through the pages already written. Let yourself laugh, cry, cringe, blush. Find the inspiration in your own story. Embellish it by living to the fullest. If you don't like the way the chapter is unfolding, direct it elsewhere. Take a turn. Or, if you can't... hold yourself strong and wait for the next chapter that is guaranteed to come.
Your life is beautiful and your story is worthy of being told. Give it a chance. And though there are disappointments, they are yours to overcome... and there will always be another word, another chapter, another day.
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