Done Directing

"Cut!" I demand in frustration. "No, no, no! How could you miss your line!?"

I'm the director of my life story. I select the characters, write the script and develop the plot. I know exactly who should enter the scene at a particular time and what they should do and say. It is perfect. Sure to be a box office sell out.

With this in mind, I often get frustrated when my characters miss their cues... when someone adds a twist to my story... when life doesn't listen to my directions. I'm the director, right? I know best, right? Maybe not.

I can't help it that I'm a dreamer and a writer (a dangerous combination I might add). I read a lot, write quite often and dream constantly. This lifestyle sets me up for frustration after frustration if I'm not careful. I know what a perfect conversation looks like. I thrive on finding the perfect words. Timing of events is crucial. Characters and settings, opportunities and drama... I know exactly how they should unfold. I want to write it out and simply watch it play out. Flawlessly.

Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one following the script. I know my lines as well as the lines of everybody else. Why can't the other actors take the time to learn their lines? I say my line and wait eagerly for the clever response that I have written... and to my disappointment... it never comes. The cue was there, the timing perfect, the line was missed. As the director I can't believe how this can happen over and over. With this kind of performance, I might as well call off the show. The plot is confusing, the characters boring, and the timing completely off.

It is then that I realize that it is not just my show. What is obvious and scripted to me may be missing from the script of another. We all have our own scripts, our own dreams, our own expectations. The trick is to take our differing stories and combine them into one big, elaborate, confusing and constantly changing show. I need to step down from my job as director and live within the collective story, as an actress in a greater story.

Directing is a huge responsibility with too much stress for one person to handle. So, I'm throwing out my script with my perfect dialogues, romantic twists and exhilarating opportunities. I'm going to live a little impromptu. I just may find that the unexpected reality is more vibrant than my dreams, more humorous than my writings and more perfect than my hopes.