Dealing with Disappointment

I have an intense and out of control fear of disappointment. I hate the thought of disappointing myself and or others. I know this about myself and I still can't seem to find a healthy way to handle it.

My method to avoid disappointment is to simply prepare for it. I think the worst, I plan for failure, I refuse to wish too strongly, hope too deeply or feel too much. In doing this, I can never be disappointed, right? If I tell myself that things are not going to turn out, then I won't be crushed when things fall apart, right?

This character flaw extends to nearly every aspect of life. School, relationships, activities, ambitions, etc. If I expect to do poorly on every paper I write, I can only feel better about myself when I don't fail, but get a B. If I tell myself that this relationship will never really work out, I won't be devastated when things in fact do turn sour. If I tell those around me that I'm a horrible dodgeball player, then I won't be disappointing them when I get out right away. If I convince myself that I most likely won't be accepted into this or that program or receive certain praise, then I won't have to experience a sense of let down or disappointment when it doesn't come to be.

I guess the question I'm asking myself is this: does this preparedness for failure and disappointment really work? Does it hurt any less? Is this a good idea?

Part of me wants to say, "no." No, this doesn't work. I still hurt when things don't work out for the best. I still experience disappointment to its fullest and cruelest extent. I receive my paper on the verge of tears and walk away from a relationship with my pride no where in sight. It's miserable, it's messy and it's not working. Yet, this is all I know. I'm not brave enough to allow myself to think differently, positively. So, I lie to myself, convincing myself that this does work. That this is the best way. The only way.

Now that I'm trying to think realistically and honestly, what am I supposed to do?

Am I supposed to do a "perspective 180" and believe in all I do and in all that could be in the light that no wrong could ever come? That there is no chance of failure, let down or disappointment? This doesn't seem completely appropriate either.

So maybe... maybe I need to stop predicting. Stop assessing what my chances for success or failure are. Maybe I just need to be me, give my all, do my best and take the outcome for what it is. Maybe I should stop pre-judging my situations. No more 0% chance of success or 100% chance of success. How about I just live and take the results for what they are.

This will also involve a reevaluation of what it means to fail. Parker Palmer writes, "Embrace it all - and find in all of it opportunities for growth" (Palmer, Let Your Life Speak, 96). Instead of seeing things as black or white, disappointment or satisfaction... maybe I just need to see it as life. Take what I'm given, embrace it, and grow. Find in it opportunities. Opportunities to learn, live deeper and see clearer. Be confident. Not simply confident that you will "succeed," but confident that you are enough. That no matter what the result... things are okay! Throw away the scale of disappointment and learn to accept what you are given with grace, peace, contentment and joy.