Get up off the curb

Once there were two girls. They each had the same dilemma. They were both interested in a boy who was showing no signs of returning the affection. Tragic but oh so common. Though their dilemma was the same, their stories drastically differed. One girl chose life beyond the boy. She got up, started walking, started recognizing possibilities, opened her eyes and started seeing a bigger and more beautiful world. She began walking in a new direction. Claiming new dreams and living fully and joyfully. The other girl sat still. She stayed close, frozen in place. Ready and waiting for the boy to move. She remained seated on the curb. Seeing nothing but him and her limited surroundings. Missing out on her own life and dreams and possibilities. Waiting on a boy who may never want her in return.

Please don't be the second girl. Get up off the curb and wander, explore, embark on your own journey. We live in an amazing world full of interesting and beautiful people to meet and incredible, unbelievable places to go. Meet them. See them. Don't limit yourself to waiting on a guy, or whatever else it is that holds you back. Break free.

Take a chance. Extend your hand and ask the boy to dance. If he reaches back - it's time to create your story together, but if he doesn't... curtsy kindly and start the dance alone. Take a risk. Dare to live without him. Dare to let him go.

Skeptics might suggest that by sitting closely, waiting patiently, the second girl will eventually win the boy. Maybe. But at what cost? It is my opinion that the first girl is going to end up with the right guy for her in the end as well, but will be able to figure out who she is, what she loves, where she wants to go and have a whole trail of memories along the way.

Each person has one life to live. One story to tell. How do you want yours written?

The world is a big, beautiful place that invites you to come, see and live. What a shame if you only see it from your seat on the curb.

Just thinking...

When I first created this blog, I titled it "Just thinking." I intended this to be a place for me to take my thoughts, put them to words and share them with whoever might be brave enough to tune into my though process every now and then.

Thinking. We all spend a considerable amount of time thinking. Thinking about the past, the future, what we want to do or eat, who we'd like to meet or where we'd like to go. Thinking about our goals, failures, conversations, weaknesses, dreams etc. Thinking is a good thing, a natural thing a necessary thing. After stupid mistakes or poor choices, it is normal to hear the phrase, "What was she thinking!?" Or "I just wasn't thinking." So, it's imperative that we think... but also that we think wisely.

You see, thinking (though necessary) can also be incredibly cruel and destructive. I'm reminded of a quote from Beauty & the Beast.
Gaston: Lefou I'm afraid I've been thinking...
Lefou: A dangerous past time.
Gaston: I know.
It is a silly part of the song, but I've realized that this concept holds some serious truth.

It's important to recognize which thoughts are beneficial and which are harmful. Start taking the time to identify what you spend your time thinking about. Be good to yourself. Reject the urge to think negatively. Spinning your weaknesses, failures and frustrations over and over in your mind is terribly unhealthy for the body and soul.

I'm reading an interesting book called, "EAT PRAY LOVE" by Elizabeth Gilbert. (Recently a movie starring Julia Roberts). In the book, she discusses the "impossible task" of controlling your thoughts. She makes a vow to monitor her thoughts and repeat the saying, "I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore." I love how she makes sense out of good thinking and bad thinking. I'll share it with you.

She writes, "A harbor, of course, is a place of refuge, a port of entry. I pictured the harbor of my mind - a little beat-up, perhaps, a little storm-worn, but well situated and with a nice depth. The harbor of my mind is an open bay, the only access to the island of my Self. This island has been through some wars, it is true, but it is now committed to peace, under a new leader (me) who has instituted new policies to protect the place. And now - let the word go out across the seven seas - there are much, much stricter laws on the books about who may enter this harbor. You may not come here anymore with your hard and abusive thoughts, with your plague ships of thoughts, with your slave ships of thoughts, with your warships of thoughts - all these will be turned away. Likewise, any thoughts that are filled with angry or starving exiles, with malcontents and pamphleteers, mutineers and violent assassins, desperate prostitutes, pimps and seditious stowaways - you may not come here anymore, either. Canniballistic thoughts, for obvious reasons, will no longer be received. Even missionaries will be screened carefully, for sincerity. This is a peaceful harbor, the entryway to a fine and proud island that is only now beginning to cultivate tranquility. If you can abide by these new laws, my dear thoughts, then you are welcome in my mind - otherwise, I shall turn you all back toward the sea from whence you came."

Guard the harbor of your mind. Set up your own rules and regulations. Be a strict harbor-master. Protect yourself from unwelcome intruders that will only steal from your spirit, destroy your contentment and leave you wounded and alone.

One final piece of wisdom on this topic. Philippians 4:8 says, "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

These things... are worth welcoming in to your harbor. Worth thinking about. Worth asking to stop by and stay for a while.

But those are just my thoughts... Just something for you to think about I guess.

Since I've been gone... apologies & poetry

Oh no... I am ashamed to admit that I did, in fact, completely neglect my blog. No, I haven't completely neglected my writing... just the posting part. Maybe I'll try and get back to it. Until then... I found some poetry that I wrote within the last year. Poetry is an interesting animal... it's kinda weird. Kinda makes the writer seem eccentric. Kinda makes "normal people" nervous. So... at risk of making anyone too nervous, I'm gonna share some of my favorites. I suppose it is kinda weird and I am kinda eccentric. Oh well.

COLD HANDS
All the pretty girls
With perfect curls, brand new shoes & shimmering eyes
Have a hand to hold, chose
By the nice boys, walking close side by side.
Giggling, floating, dreaming, seeing nothing
But him.
And only the plain girls
With wind blown hair, borrowed shoes & squinted eyes
walk all alone, spinning
‘round to not miss a thing,
Artists capturing the skyline, dancers lost in the breeze.
Eyes to the sky taking in the city lights,
The sparkle illuminating her every step.
Stopping to hear the music,
Seeing the water spill from the fountain,
Tossing in a penny, wishing to see more.
Experiencing
Everything.
Thinking How beautiful. Does anyone notice?




SOMEDAY POISON
Giggles seep beneath her door
The “someday” poison introduced
Days pass. Hearts break. Dreams wait.


Pages fill with hopeful words
Too deep, a risk to speak.
The plague ignites and carries on,
The days longed for far off.
The here, the now, forgot.


Moments missed or just ignored
The life desired is coming.
Choked by the drug of “somewhere else”
The present; lost, rejected.
Clocks tick. Hearts sick. Dreams dying.


Living starts when hearts can see
That life and joy is now.
Health and hope renewed, refreshed
When dreams are lived today.
Time’s here. Choose joy. Live now.


ENJOY THE SHOW
Once you dared to change the plot.
Threw out your lines, leaving me
Clueless.
My turn to speak there was nothing there.
The flawless dialogue, storyline
Gone.
It was perfect, how I wrote it.
It was mine. How you ruined it.
Missed your cue, or just ignored it,
Forced to ad-lib
I froze.

Just then I saw you sitting comfortably
In my old directors chair.
Is this your story, mine forgotten?
Is all I worked for lost, abandoned?
So I’m an actor, this not my story,
I’m told to simply play my part.
No purpose fighting, on the stage now,
Confused and doubting lines not mine.

Surprised I found this role refreshing.
Not my job to run the show.
Captivated by the story, I got
Lost, forgot my worry.
There’s joy I found, when just
Performing. Acting, living impromptu.
No missed lines, no plot to follow
Just twist and turn and watch it flow.
So thank you, life, please come and join me.
Join me and enjoy the show.



Oh.... and you may notice that a couple of these poems are inspired by previous blog entries.

Independence

I have always wanted to be independent. I longed to be the girl that could thrive all on her own. Needing no one, happy and capable alone. This ideal isn't supposed to sound lonely or sad... it has just always been my desire to cut loose the ties and stand on my own. To feel truly independent. I was never sure when I would get there, what it would feel like or how I would know.

Just over a month ago I moved to Chicago. I went with a hope that this adventure in the big city would make me feel truly independent. That walking down the busy streets and taking public transportation and living in an apartment under my own name would confirm to me that yes indeed, I, was truly an independent woman. Well, there have been a few times that the city life seemed to convince me of my independence... but until a few days ago... I was really never sure.

A few days ago I found myself alone, on a train, feeling terribly nauseous. I seemed to have picked up some sort of flu or food poisoning over the weekend in the suburbs, and it started to hit on my trip back to the city. I remember sitting on the train holding my bags and trying to figure out where the most appropriate place to vomit would be if that should become necessary.

Finally, I made it back to my apartment. The rest of the night was spent lying on the bathroom floor... alone. This is when I realized what it means to be on my own. Goodbye ideals and hello reality. As the hours slowly crept by and I did my best to take care of myself, I remembered the days of being sick at home. The days when my mom would hold my hair and rub my back and try to make everything seem okay. The days when my sister would play nurse and I would drink tea and eat homemade soup. The days when being sick meant just lying still and being completely dependent on those around you. Then, I wondered why that was something I was so eager to get away from. Why did I want to try and live all on my own?

I called my mom that night around 3:00am. She was hours away and there was nothing she could do... but in that moment, I just needed to know someone was there. In that moment, the last thing I wanted was independence. I wanted someone to take care of me, to whisper softly and hold me close.

As I recovered over the next couple of days, making my own soup and disinfecting my own bathroom, I started to reevaluate my desire to live independently. I began to realize the deep need that I have for people in my life. I thought about how unnatural it is to rely only on myself. I found my perspectives shifting. In my low days of being sick, I was finally aware of how silly it is to want to be on my own. I also realized that it isn't just when I'm physically sick that it is better to have others to lean on. Life isn't meant to be lived alone. Though I may be capable of getting around by myself or taking care of myself or being completely on my own... why should I want that? Why not surround myself with people who will be there when I'm dragging, run with me when I'm energized and make memories with me along the way? No longer will I pride myself in my independence. Instead, I will be thankful for those who enrich my life... hold me up... take my hand... show me the way... and help me live life as it was intended to be lived. Together.

Highlight of the day

I don't know what kind of day you had. I don't know what is on your mind as you read this. You may be cheerful, excited or content... or you may be tired, anxious, lonely or down. Whatever it may be... I want to challenge you to choose joy.

Notice, I didn't challenge you to "be happy." My words were to, "choose joy." John Neafsey writes, "It is possible, for example, to experience a sense of quiet joy in our souls about the overall direction of our love or work life even if things are not particularly easy or pleasant at any given moment" (Neafsey, A Sacred Voice is Calling, 43). Too often we confuse joy for the happiness we may or may not experience in the present moment. Life is hard. People are complicated. Situations are frustrating. Yet... joy can be found. The task of seeking and choosing joy is not always natural. We have a human tendency to focus on our temporary troubles fooling ourselves into thinking there is nothing to celebrate. Nothing worthy of bringing joy. Throw out those lies! Join me in a life-giving, truth-expressing decision for joy.

In my most current journal, there is a designated box on every other page that says, "Highlight of the day." When I first started writing in this particular journal, I remember thinking that this box was unnecessary. I figured that anything worth writing I would have already written within the pages of the journal. It would be redundant to write it again in the box. However, I shortly realized that some days I really hadn't written anything that day that I would consider a "highlight." Some days my journal entries were simply factual, whiny, and just plain uneventful or dismal. On those days, there seemed to be nothing worth highlighting. It was this realization that prompted me to dig deeper for joy. I had to come up with something to write in the box... so I thought a little harder about what was right about the day. What was one thing worth celebrating... worth remembering. During these moments I was able to push aside all that went wrong... all that hurt... and think only of the pleasantries. I can't tell you what a blessing this has become! By consciously choosing to acknowledge at least one good thing from my day, I'm affirming that life is indeed rich with blessings... that joy is all around me... I've just been neglecting to notice.

Ending my journal entries and my days with a "written box of joy" lifts my spirits and lets me truly live. Live as I was meant to. A lot can go wrong in a day. For some reason the wrong is easy to find and remember... but I challenge you to make the effort and seek joy. I've surprised myself by the hints of joy that come to my mind when I take the time to notice. For me, joy can be as grand as getting to see family or friends after way too long... or as simple as the perfect cup of hot chocolate on a cold day. Try it... and once you do, you'll find that joy is all around you. That there is much to celebrate. That the little things are shouting out proving worthy to be called joy.

Highlight of the day: Sitting on the counter top with my roommates talking about life and eating spoonfuls of peanut butter. Sipping a delicious caramel machiato at a bookstore while reading and watching the snow fall quietly on the city. Singing "Just around the riverbend" in public with a friend. A text message that made me smile. Phone call from a faraway friend. Feeling like I belong here. MnMs. The sunset. A pair of new shoes. An old pair of jeans.

But those are just a few of mine... Now it's your turn! Look for joy -- name it -- live it!

Be Still

A few days ago, I began to read Robert Ellsberg's book, "The Saints' Guide to Happiness." Of the many "guides to happiness" out there, this one is definitely worth your time. Chapter four of the book focuses on the theme of being still. Something we know little about. Ellsberg illustrates how important it is to learn to be content and to be quiet. Very few people have mastered the art of silence. We constantly fill our lives with noise and business. We hate to be still. Even when our surroundings are calm, our minds are working overtime. Ellsberg calls this, "inner noise." He writes, "Even when it is quiet outdoors, we are filled with internal voices and alarms, reminding us of what needs to be done, what we have done poorly, what has been done in the past" (Ellsberg, 61). Throughout the chapter, Ellsberg pleads with us to follow the example of the saints by eliminating distractions, learning to be alone, embracing the present moment and listening to the inner voice. If we seek these goals, we will be on the way to a fulfilling and lasting sort of happiness.

The section of chapter four that particularly struck my interest was the concept of living in the present. We are given the present, but hardly anyone truly knows how to approach it. We are burdened by or long for the past and we fear or anticipate the future, meanwhile, we are wasting the present. The gift of today. Pascal says, "We almost never think of the present, and if we do think of it, it is only to see what light it throws on our plans for the future... thus we never actually live, but hope to live, and since we are always planning to be happy, it is inevitable that we should never be so" (Ellsberg, 65). That is a powerful statement full of wisdom. We need to stop focusing on the past and the future in order to embrace where we are and truly live. Buddha instructs, "It is the way of deep observation to see that the past no longer exists and the future has yet to come, and to dwell at ease in the present moment, free from desire" (Ellsberg, 67). We are giving the best life to the self when we remove the thoughts of the past and the pressures of the future. When we simplify our mindset and find fulfillement in the here and now.

Towards the end of the chapter, Ellsberg talks about the many frustrating and annoying situations that often make up our daily lives. Ellsberg writes, "Life inevitably supplies us with tedious situations: sitting in traffic, standing in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles, returning books to the library... God's will is present in these moments, no less than in occasions of comfort and joy, perhaps calling us to greater patience, humility and compassion" (Ellsberg, 72). This concept of choosing to be happy even in the tedious happenings of life is something I've thought about quite a bit lately. On Saturday, I spent over two hours waiting at the CVS pharmacy to get a simple TB test done that was required for my internship. I went in to the minute clinic thinking that this would take only a few minutes. Apparently, when they say "minute" they mean "hours." At first when I noticed that my name was number seven on the waiting list, I felt myself get really irritated and annoyed. Then, as I looked around, I noticed the ugliness and anger on the faces of those waiting around me. Nobody wanted to be there. Nobody was happy. It was then that I thought of the foolishness of that mindset. We were all going to wait, so why wait with a scowl on our faces? I had to make a conscious decision to find the good in the present moment and hopefully, spread some of that cheer on to others. I found that my waiting experience was much more enjoyable when I wiped away my frown and tried to celebrate the moment. This idea is something that I've taken with me to my internship as well. I work in a counseling office, and am involved with lots of menial administrative tasks. While I'm stuffing envelopes or shredding paper, I try to enjoy the moment. To stop the feelings of discontent as soon as they arise. As a result, my day goes faster, my coworkers seem friendlier and I am much happier. There is joy to be found in the present, all we need to do is be still, acknowledge it and let it flourish.

Bad Timing

Timing is everything. Life requires good timing. I have realized over and over again that I have depressingly bad timing. Maybe this is what made me a such a lousy athlete. I jump before the ball arrives, I kick after the ball is gone, I slide into home after the catcher steps on the plate. Can't quite connect at the right time.

There's also the awkwardness that comes from saying something at the wrong time, or walking into the room at the wrong time... you just wish with all you are that you could take it back, try again later... or, if it was bad enough... never again.

Sometimes I find myself wishing that I could be one of those people with everything together. You know what I mean, the person who is always on time, always looks great, always says the right thing and always in a mutually adoring relationship. Why do things always work out SO perfectly for this person? Why am I a step behind... or two or three?

Bad timing seems to be my life story with relationships in particular. I'm interested, he's not. He's pursuing, I'm running away. I've fallen hard, he's changed his mind. Never on the same page. Always bad timing.

But wait... could it be possible that my "bad timing" was actually the perfect timing? That it only appeared like bad timing because I couldn't see around the corner? Because I wasn't aware of the bigger picture, of the master plan?

The more I think about it, I am so thankful that my timing has consistently been a little bit off. It has saved me from lots of things that I thought were perfect... but in recollection, I can see would have been nothing short of disastrous. If that relationship I was so sad to see disappear would have worked out, I don't doubt I would be currently dealing with a lot more heartache than I dealt with at that time. If my timing would have went the way I wanted... my life would look very different. I can see now that the "bad timing" in my life was really an answer to prayer. My prayer that nothing happen in my life contrary to God's perfect plan... God's perfect timing.

So maybe... maybe my timing isn't really off at all. Maybe when it feels wrong... it is just the nudge I need to remind me that this is exactly how things are to be in this time. The right time that I seem to be waiting for may take a few more ticks of the clock... a few more turns of the calendar... a few more steps down the road.

It's not fun to go through life feeling off beat or behind. Choose to celebrate the unique timeline of your life. Don't try to fit into the stereotypical mold that people set before you. Next time you think you are a victim of more bad timing... throw out the negative feelings and be thankful. Say, "Thank you. Thank you for overruling my messed up plan and replacing it with something greater than I could ever ask for or imagine."